Welcome to my nightmare...

Okay, it is laundry time. Oh goody, my fave! I'll just gather up all of my not-so-fresh smelling clothing and plop them right in the good old-timey washing tub. There, they all fit, and there's room to spare! How about adding these jeans that are sitting in the laundry room basket? Yes, that will work. There's only a few pairs, they should fi...what the HELL is that dangling from the edge of my basket. Bloody bits, it's a spider. It is not terribly tiny, either, now is it? Well, at least it is sort of jiggling there like it is dead. Well, THAT is a relie- bloody hell... it's alive. No, not terribly tiny at all. And, it looks all weird. Long, black, glittery legs. Big, round shiny belly part. And that almost looks like a reddish mark there on the abdominal region. HA! I am imagining things! Just because it looks a little weirdish with long black glittery legs and a big round shiny belly part, and is BLACK, doesn't automatically mean it is one. I mean, just because this is the same time that I found one on my dear daughter's car door last year is no cause for alarm. I'll just calmly take another peek and, remaining calm, I'm sure I will discover that it is- bloodiest HELL. There is a black widow spider in my laundry room. On my laundry basket. On the edge where you lift it. Dangling in one of the little grid thingies. I f-e-e-l.... THUD. WAKE UP you NINNY! Get it the out of the house! Grab that basket and the nearest cleaning spray and fly, fly, fly to the out-of-doors! Bloody hell, I grabbed the Pledge! Does Pledge kill things? Why, YES! Yes, Pledge does kill things! Good Pledge! Return indoors leaving a lemon scented spot the size of a small zeppelin on the front walk. Burn plastic laundry basket and all clothing contained therein in funeral pyre on front lawn. DO NOT TOUCH SPIDER CARCASS. Leave that on front porch so husband will understand why you are no longer living in the house in the country. Keep checking spider carcass at least hourly until it turns to dust and blows away. This could take weeks, it is coated with furniture polish. Try to sit down and relax. After the twitching causes you to fall off of the chair, continue to get up and try again. Remember you don't want to be on the floor right now. Maybe a glass/bottle of wine will stop the spasms... Buy more Pledge.